Another honor

I just found out I made another top blog list. The site onlinenursepractitionerschools.com included Depression Marathon in their list of Top 100 Recovery Sites. Specifically, I am number 3 on the list of top 10 alcoholic blogs--i.e. a blog written by someone in recovery from alcohol. I am, as usual, humbled and honored to be included in any list of top blogs. Thanks to the editors of onlinenursepractitionerschools.com for including me in their list of some very fine blogs. Use the link above to check out their other selections.

depression

it's not always what you'd think.
sometimes it's just this.
not sad
not lonely
not anxious
not restless
not hopeless.


it's not always what you'd think.
sometimes it's just this.
just slow
just numb
just gray
just flat
just vacant.


just vacant.
depression.

sleep, sleep

The weekend is concluding, and I am briefly awake. That's not been normal this weekend. I've mostly been asleep. The past two days have looked a lot like this:
Wake up. Eat cereal. Watch the Tour de France. Sleep. Eat more cereal. Sleep. Look at my housework. Sleep. Look at my unmowed lawn. Sleep. Watch TV. Sleep. Think about making something for dinner. Eat cereal instead. Sleep. Watch TV. Sleep.

As you may have guessed, this is not a satisfying pattern in which to be. I'm hitting a wall. Every task feels monumental. Nothing seems interesting. People are becoming painful. I am heavy. I am slow. I am isolating. This is a scary place to be. I think the chronic fatigue is getting the best of me. I feel my mood sliding down. I feel the abyss rising up. I am afraid I'm sinking into the hole.

But I'm trying my hardest to stay afloat. Despite myself, I somehow got out for a bike ride yesterday and a run today. I'm really not sure how I got out the door. Neither activity felt good. I'm sure neither looked good, but I got out there. Gotta give myself credit for that. I'm trying hard to stay afloat.

Tomorrow, I have to get back to the world. I'm dreading work. With people becoming painful and my brain moving slow, work could be long and excruciating. I guess I better bring my life-preserver.

Piling on.

Enough already!
After work this evening, in the muggy sunshine, my car stopped working in the middle of an intersection 40 miles from home.
Did I mention I was in the middle of an intersection?
That's about all I can say for now.

another tired day

Another tired, tough day. Except for the time spent in the doctor and dentist offices, I spent most of the day in bed. My first appointment of the day was with my psychiatrist. Guess what we discussed? Yup, fatigue. I'm so tired, I even agreed to give another anti-fatigue med a try. If you've been following along, you know that I quit taking the previous stimulating med because it elevated my pulse and made running virtually impossible. I quit that drug in December, and by spring my resting pulse rate had dropped from 90-100 bpm to around 60 bpm. It's no coincidence that my running improved significantly this year as well. My doc and I are hoping this drug, a cousin of the original, will cure the fatigue and won't have the same side effect. Please, God, let that be so!

Don't you hate crying?

I hate crying, especially in public! I cried at work today. It was one of those frustration/angry cries. I was so frustrated and angry, my voice cracked and tears came out instead of words. We were in the middle of one of "those" staff meetings.

I mentioned in this space yesterday how negative my work environment has been lately. That's what the meeting was about. Well, actually, that's what it ended up being about. I have no idea exactly why it was started, but we ended up airing resentments and concerns. I've been feeling the resentments floating around, so I guess it was good to air them, but I hate crying! Fortunately, I did get to say what I needed to say--that I was feeling nit-picked to death, that I felt we weren't working together as a team, and that I was tired of hearing only criticism, never anything positive. It was when I told them I was doing the best I could that my voice cracked. God, I hate that.

The fact is, I am doing the best I can. I'm no longer very good at multi-tasking, thanks to depression and ECT, so I often miss a line on a form, forget to deliver a copy of some paperwork somewhere, or miss my productivity expectations. The amount of paperwork I need to do is overwhelming, and I frequently don't do it perfectly. Furthermore, I no longer care about perfection. Unfortunately, my colleagues value perfection and seemingly nothing less. They never miss an opportunity to point out the missed line, the forgotten copy, or the lesser productivity--none of which effects the treatment I provide my patients.

So, I said, "I'm doing the best I can," and my voice cracked. I stopped talking, but I couldn't stop the damn tears. They rolled down my face. I was embarrassed. I wanted to be anywhere else but there, but I stayed. The tears eventually stopped, and we actually got a couple of things resolved. As for the overall tone of the place? Too soon to tell. I hope it changes. I can't stand the negativity much longer. And I don't want to be reduced to tears at work ever again.

Frustrated with fatigue!

She tells me I may just have to accept it. At least it's just fatigue. At least my mood is still okay. It could be worse. I could have fatigue and a low mood. I could have fatigue, a low mood, and pain. It could be worse.

It could be worse, but who likes to hear that? My therapist is right, of course. We've looked, and looked, and looked for a cause behind this 3+ year battle with fatigue. I have a bit of sleep apnea, but the cure for that didn't cure the fatigue. It wasn't low vitamin D, which was also a hope(?). I don't have any screwed up labs. Everything is normal or better than normal. I'm just tired, and the only cause left is depression.

Of course, I don't want to accept that. I don't want to accept depression as the cause. After all, if depression is the cause, it means there's nothing left to do. I'm taking meds, which are certainly working--for everything but the fatigue--so I'm not going to change those. I'm doing the best I can to work and play around the morass. What else can I do but accept?

But this is hard to accept. It would be so much easier if something was physically wrong! But as she pointed out, there is something wrong. I have depression. I'm fatigued. It's a symptom of depression. I need more sleep than most everyone I know. I'm in good shape, yet I need to sleep during the day. Sometimes my body aches with fatigue if I can't lie down. It's frustrating. It sucks. And yet, I know, it could be worse. But acceptance? I don't know if I'm there yet...

feeling a little blue

Maybe it was returning to work--a fairly negative environment which sometimes sucks the life out of me. Maybe it's being home alone after spending more than a week surrounded by others. Maybe it is my continued fatigue despite recent interventions. Maybe it's just a normal reaction to returning from vacation. Whatever the reason, I'm feeling a bit blue.

Blue worries me. I don't like feeling blue. Blue is tiring, and I'm already tired. Blue may mean a depression relapse is on the way. Feeling blue is a little like living in suspended animation--I'm waiting to see what comes next. Will it go away? Will it get worse? Or will I just stay suspended, waiting? Blue worries me.

I don't know why I'm feeling blue. I don't really care to figure it out either. I'd rather it just went away. I'm glad I have a day off tomorrow. I can rest, visit my therapist, and hopefully go for a run. I'd like to get back into a running and exercise routine, although I don't feel like doing much of anything. Lack of motivation--another symptom of feeling blue. Damn, I hate feeling blue!

Back home

The mountains near Estes Park, Colorado

I'm back. Back from Colorado today. It's always hard to return from vacation. I'm tired. I'm a little sad. Not sure why I'm sad, but I am. I'm not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow. But I am so happy to be reunited with Puck! Boy, I missed him.

Colorado was beautiful, quiet, and serene, yet action-packed. We went whitewater rafting, hiking, and shopping. We ate out, grilled in, built fires, talked and laughed. It was nice. It was fun. I'm enclosing photos. Enjoy the scenery.

The cabin and friend, Bill.

The view from the cabin.

The same old medication dilemma

Why bother with these now? That's where my brain goes when I feel good, especially when I feel good on vacation. I'm here in Colorado. The air is clear. My brain is clear. I feel happy and free, so why take my medication? How about just taking a break from my medication? Yes, that's it, a break...

These thoughts are subtly compelling, provocative. It's hard not to pay attention, and I'm not sure I won't pay attention. Like I said, the thoughts are compelling. I take eight pills every morning--not all of them are for my depression. It's appealing to think of taking fewer or none at all. I mean if I'm better, and if I'm in a place where I expect to continue feeling better, why not take a break and clean these 'toxins' out of my system.

Of course, I know why. Because these 'toxins' are likely 75% responsible for my current state. Without them I may not be sleeping at night or staying awake (for the most part) during the day. Without them I may not be working. Without them I may not be socializing. Without my meds I may not have been invited on nor felt well enough to make this trip. Of course, I know that.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make the thoughts any less compelling...